


disorder

by gosh_zillah



Series: sensations of a normal man [1]
Category: Black Mirror, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Crying, First Time, Loss of Virginity, Lots of Touching, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Power Dynamics, Power Imbalance, Rough Oral Sex, very casual sugar situation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-05 08:00:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17321087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gosh_zillah/pseuds/gosh_zillah
Summary: He's losing time. Last thing Stefan remembers is sitting at his computer typing line after line of code and now he's here- at Colin's apartment with his head on Colin's thigh and Colin's hand under his shirt. It's dark outside. He remembers watching the sun come up. Goosebumps spring up his arms and he shivers, confused but too tired to be truly afraid.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i have no beta, i just finished bandersnatch and am cranking out these things as soon as the inspiration strikes

He's losing time. Last thing Stefan remembers is sitting at his computer typing line after line of code and now he's here- at Colin's apartment with his head on Colin's thigh and Colin's hand under his shirt. It's dark outside. He remembers watching the sun come up. Goosebumps spring up his arms and he shivers, confused but too tired to be truly afraid. 

Colin feels him shift and smooths his large hand up the expanse of his torso, running over a nipple, dipping shallowly into his navel, counting his ribs. Stefan feels like a dog. Colin's found a mole on his stomach and runs his thumb over it again and again. Stefan shivers looks up at Colin.

He's not looking at Stefan, he's reading his copy of Bandersnatch with a roll up hanging from his lips. 

"How long?" Stefan asks. 

"You've been here about eight hours haven't said a word the entire time till now." Colin reports, putting the book down and giving Stefan all his attention. 

Stefan wonders what he missed. Eight hours with Colin that left him with a hand up his shirt and a head in his lap. 

"You came in. Lead me in here, sat me down, laid like this and fell asleep." Colin explains, pulling Stefan's shirt up until it was tucked under his chin, looking down at his chest with lazy, hungry eyes. 

Stefan feels the need to cover up like a girl but stays still anyway, fighting the impulse. 

"Did- did I make you touch me?" He asks. 

Colin shakes his head. 

"Than why-" 

"Because you're soft." He said, flicking over a nipple again. Stefan gasps.

"And because I want to." His hand wanders up to Stefan's neck, closing his hand around it but not squeezing. Just enough pressure to make Stefan light headed. 

"And because you won't tell me to stop." He adds, running a thumb over Stefan's bottom lip. 

He takes a drag of his cigarette. He's right- of course- Stefan feels touched starved and warm and his pants are too tight and Colin's hands are so big. 

"Stand up." Colin tells him, letting him go. 

Stefan stands before he realizes he's moving, ready and wanting to have those hands on him again. 

When Stefan's stands Colin looks him up in down as he takes a drag, blowing smoke as he regards him. Colin sets his cig in the ashtray and manhandles Stefan until he's pulled into Colin's lap with his back against the other man's chest, his legs spread, trapped on either side of Colin's. 

The hand around his neck returns. 

"I was going to ask you- when I saw you at the office again- how you were enjoying these truths you uncovered. About not being in control." Colin says, nosing Stefan's shoulder blades. 

"'M not enjoying it." Stefan answers, can't manage anything above a whisper. 

"Yeah?" Colin asks, voice laced with amusement, "tell me about it." 

Stefan swallows, his throat clicks. As his throat expands he can feel the construction of Colin's fingers. 

"Someone I don't know, makes decisions for me for entertainment. It's-" Stefan clenches his fists, unable to articulate how that makes him feel. 

There is a pause. Colin's shifts, raises his hips and spreads his legs, forcing Stefan's own wider apart. Colin's free hand raises his cigarette to his mouth, takes a drag and then sets it back down. Stefan can hear the crackle of the cherry next to his ear. 

"I wonder than, how you would feel if it was someone you did know making decisions for you." Colin asks, like he already knows the answer, like he's asked these questions before. 

"You know," Stefan starts with a surge of confidence that must have come from knowing that this is a re-do for Colin, "you know exactly how I would feel." 

Colin goes still for a moment, shocked perhaps, before he laughs. It's silent but Stefan can feel it underneath is back. 

"Yeah," Colin agrees, free hand moving back under Stefan's shirt to pull it up then teasing his finger tips under Stefan's sweats. He can feel Colin notch his chin over Stefan's shoulder to watch as he touches him. 

"I guess I do." 

"Are you offering, then?" Stefan asks, his breath catching, his ears ringing, his heart pounding. 

"To make my decisions for me? That's a lot of responsibility, y'know?" 

“Something you have already non-consensually given to someone else, wouldn’t it be better if you could consensually give it to me?” Colin asks. 

Stefan feels like this is another question Colin knows the answer to. 

“What are my choices then?” Stefan asks, his breath hitched. Colin is undoing the clasp of his belt, he raises his hips into the touch. 

Colins hums, as if thinking. His hands pause where his thumbs are hooked in Stefan’s waste band. 

“You can sit here on my lap, let me touch you as I please and agree to what i’ve offered…”, He draws off, running his knuckles over Stefan’s hip bone. 

“O- or?” Stefan asks, letting out a breath he’d been holding. 

“You can leave, i’ll see you at the office. We’ll act as if this never happened and i’ll try again on the next go-round.” 

“And if I agree?” 

Colin smiles against Stefan’s neck, presses a dry kiss behind his ear as if to give him a taste of what could be. When he speaks, Stefan can feel his lips move. 

“It’ll be the last decision you’ll ever have to make in this life. The last thing you’ll ever have to worry about.” 

Stefan holds his breath, when he moves his hips he can feel the hard line of Colin’s cock in his pants. He shivers through the goosebumps growing on his arms when Colin digs his thumbs in the dips of his hips, when he breath against the back of neck. 

“Yeah,” Stefan breaths. “Yes, ok, touch me please.” 

He can feel Colin's grin as he jumps into action. He's pushing Stefan's clothes off him until he's naked in his lap. Colin smooths one hand from sternum to his knee and hums, satisfied. 

Colin takes his hand away. 

“Stand up.” He says for the second time. 

Stefan does, and revels in the fact that he knows exactly what he should do. No questions, no second guessing. Colin wants him to stands- so he stands. 

He stands and turns to face Colin. His cock weeps between his legs. Colin watches him with that same lazy hunger that's been in his eyes the entire time. He gestures with an abortive movement to the ashtray on the coffee table. 

“Grab me the roll up, love.” 

Stefan does, floating on the feeling of being called 'love’. Colin takes it, lights it, the closing scent of marijuana filling the air. Colin gestures again, behind him the time to the record player. 

“Put a record on.. Joy Division.. Unknown Pleasures should do it I think.” 

Stefan looks through the records, ignoring the feeling of self consciousness that comes with being without his clothes. He buries that feeling under the idea that this is the way that Colin wanted him.

He finds the record, puts it on, gently sets the needle down. Colin hums at the first few cords, head resting against the back of the couch. 

“Come back.”

Stefan moves to stand in from of the other man again. Colin grabs his wrists, pulls him froward and moves his limbs until he's straddling Colin's lap. Stefan sits on his thighs, averting eye contact. He feels flushed all down his chest and doesn't have to look to know that he's red down to his belly button. 

Colin puts a hand on his ribs.

“Look at me.” Stefan does. 

“I'm gonna blow this smoke and when I do you're gonna inhale, do you understand?”

Stefan nods. “Yeah.” 

Colin moves his hand from his Ribs to the back of his head, tangled in Stefan's hair and pulls him down to met Colin as he takes a hit. Their lips hover over each other. 

Colin exhales into his mouth and, dutifully, Stefan inhales. 

It's smoother this time, then when he hit it himself. When he coughs this time it's just a bit and Colin smiles at him, runs his thumb over Stefan's pulse. 

“Good boy.” 

Stefan's blush gets worse and he smiles back. 

Colin keeps feeding him smoke until the joint is gone, the last bit moved to a hair pin and then eventually stubbed out into the ashtray. It's easier to do as Colin says, to meet him for the next hit over and over than to think about whether or not he actually wanted to get high. Before he knows it he is, high that is, the world is heavy and Colin's hands feel even better that before. He’s lost in the sensations, the feel of his bare skin against Colin jeans, the soft cotton of his shirt, his calloused hands all over him. He thinks about what he must look like, Colin’s fully clothed touching him idly and looking at him like he wants to commit all of this to memory. Colin’s humming along to the music, idly scraping his thumb nail over a mole on Stefan’s thighs. 

Stefan is still hard, now that he’s high its a lazy sort of arousal that bleeds through his whole body like a warm blanket. He thrusts his hips forward, an aborted little movement just to get Colin’s attention. 

Colin tsks at him, grips his hips, keeping him still. 

“Patients,” Colin chides him. 

Stefan has it in to whine, apparently, because he is and it pitiful and he’s immediately embarrassed and wants to apologize but before he can stutter something on he’s being flipped on his back with Colin on top of him, straddling his thighs and holding him down with his weight. Stefan arches against him, just to feel Colin keep him in place. 

“You want me to make you cum, yeah, make a right mess of yourself” Colin says, a statement- not a question. His eyes are red, his pupils dilated- Colin flicks out his tongue to wet his lips and does not look at Stefan for an answer. Colin leans forward, covering him in his larger body and grabs Stefan’s chin and presses his tongue against the side of his face and drags it over Stefan’s lips. He’s parts his lips in a gasp and then that tongue is claiming his mouth. Stefan lets out another pitiful whine and wraps his arms around Colin’s neck pulling him closer like he’ll float away. 

Colin presses his hips down into Stefan’s and he gasps, the denim against his dick is too harsh and he’s so sensitive but he arches into it. Stefan moans, breaking away from the kiss in attempt to catch his breath. Colin latches onto his neck and sucks a mark into his skin. 

“O-oh, Colin, please.” Stefan whines, fisting Colin’s shirt in his hands. 

Colin shushes him like one would a wounded animal. 

He kisses Stefan again, softly this time and moves away. Stefan keeps the grip on his shirt, not wanting him to leave him there, alone on the couch, without the weight of him to keep him grounded. 

“I’ll be right back, love.” He says, with an amused little smile. Stefan lets him go and watches him as he walks across the room. The defined line in Colin’s jeans make Stefan’s mouth water. He’s never sucked a cock before, in his hazy sort of mind state he thinks he’d like to give it a try. 

Colin returns with a small of bottle of clear liquid and a packet. Stefan’s throat clicked when he swallowed, body going tense. 

“You’ve ever done this sort of thing before?” Colin asks, standing at Stefan’s head, carding his fingers through the other man’s hair. 

Stefan leans into the touch, resting his forehead on Colin’s knee as he shakes his head. 

 

“You’ve ever done this sort of thing at all?” 

Stefan shakes his head again, the fingers in his hair tighten possessively. Stefan whimpers. 

“Come on then.” Colin says, reaching a hand out. Stefan takes it and Colin pulls him up. 

“W-where are we going?” He asks, dazed, legs shaky. 

Colin leads him through his house, into another dimly lit room. Colin’s bed is large, blankets piled on top and messy.

“Getting you comfortable.” Colin explains, lifting up and setting him on the bed, knocking blankets away so Stefan can lay down. The bed is comfortable and the pillows are plush and Stefan feels like he’s melting into the mattress. Colin pulls off his shirt, but leaves on his jeans and Stefan can’t help but touch his shoulders as he spreads Stefan’s legs and situates himself between them. 

“Comfortable?” Colin asks, looking Stefan in his eyes, trailing down to the marks on his neck, the flush on his chest, his cock still untouched and leaking on his belly. 

Stefan squeezes his legs around Colin’s waist and nods, keyed up from being observed, from being made to wait. 

Sex isn’t something Stefan thinks about often, masturbation only a tool he uses to sleep easier and even then its vague shapes and phantom touches that usually do it for him. Now, being here with Colin feels like a fantasy come reality. One that he can’t ever remember having but feels like he’s been waiting for all his life. 

“Aren't you a pretty thing?” Colin asks. Stefan hides his face in the pillow and squeezes his eyes shut. His cock jumps at the praise and he can hear Colin laughing. 

“So shy,” Colin starts, spreading the slick fluid over his fingers, “So sweet and soft.” He pushes Stefan’s legs up to his chest and, without preamble, rubs two fingers over his hole. Stefan twitches at the feeling, his flush becoming an even deeper pink. 

“All my run throughs with you, i’ve tried to leave you be.” He says, adding pressure but never pushing in.

“And i’ve tried to help you with Bandersnatch, as friend, sometime just a colleague. You’ve killed me, i’ve killed you, you’ve killed your dad, i’ve helped you hide the body.” 

Stefan head swims at all the new information, some parts he’s experienced himself, some he hasn’t. 

“But i’ve noticed that a strong hand is what you keeps you on the right path. I know which choices to make this time, Stefan. For both of us.” 

Stefan trembles, pushes back on Colin’s fingers and one slips inside. It’s a feeling he’s never felt before, not one that he remembers anyway. 

Colin pushes one finger in, than two. He stretches him slowly- talking the entire time, only pausing to press kisses on his thighs, his stomach, the backs of his knee, his neck, his cheeks, and finally his lips. 

A third finger presses in and Stefan grips the sheets, his cock drips clear fluid on his belly and he is absolutely sure he will never feel this good in his life ever again. Colin must decide that he’s ready because he removes his fingers. Stefan whines at the loss. Colin smiles and shushes at him, finally pushing down his jeans, opening the foil packet with his teeth then rolling it on his length. 

“How many times?” Stefan asks, winded even though he hasn’t had to do anything. He needs to know, know what he’s not sure. 

“How many times have I what, taken your virginity?” Colin asks, smiling

Stefan nods, shutting his eyes tight, embarrassed. 

“I’m not sure anymore, you like it better on the bed though. I’ve had you in the kitchen, on the floor, sometimes on the couch. Only ever your first.” Colin explains, his voice lilts into something sad.

He slicks up cock, rubs the head over his hole and pushes. Stefan gasps at the first slide inside. Colin goes slow but sinks deep inside, all the way in one smooth thrust. It knocks the wind out of Stefan. He squeezes his legs around Colin and grips his shoulder, pulling him closer. Colin leans his body over Stefan’s, pushing his legs to his chest, nearly folding him in half and keeping him open. There is a slow slide out and a slower slide back in and tears pool in Stefan’s eyes. It’s overwhelming, how new, how good Colin feels, holding him down and pressed deep inside him. 

When Colin speaks it’s directly into his ear. 

“This will be our good ending, Stefan. You’ve never come to me before, but i can keep you here. We’ll finish your game, i’ll keep you sane. Nobody has to die. Not until we are good and fucking ready.” 

Colin sounds like he says it to them the ones controlling them. A threat to take this away from him, to see what he’ll do. Stefan’s not sure what can be done about the force they can’t control but he feels safe here, under Colin in his too soft bed and his dark apartment. There’s a hand around his neck and an ache in his hamstrings but he feels so good. More free than he’s felt since this whole thing began. 

“Promise?” He asks, well and truly crying now. 

Colin answers with a kiss, deep and consuming. His thrusts pick up then, bowing his body over Stefan as he trembles and gasps like he means to protect the shorter man with his own body. He kisses Stefan’s cheeks, wet with tears, kisses his eyelids and his forehead and his chin. Stefan’s holding onto his shoulders so tightly there’ll be crescents imprinted in his skin. 

Stefan's vocabulary has narrowed to curses and Colin’s name and gasps. When Stefan finishes it’s with a sob- his body is bow string tight and flushed to his toes. He’s clutching Colin close to him, hand gripping onto cropped hair.

Colin fucks him through it in slow, deep thrusts that are ceaseless in their control. Fat tears roll down his face and when he finally catches his breath, Colin steals it away again with a kiss. The sensitivity is making his toe curl and he whines, high and pitiful into Colin’s mouth. 

He breaks the kiss, shushing Stefan softly. 

“I know, love.” He murmurs. Stefan squeezes his eyes shut and whimpers as each thrust sinks deep.  
“Do you want me to stop?” Colin asks, his hips never faltering. His voice, for the first time, shows how much this is affecting him and Stefan figures he must be close. 

Stefan swallows thickly, opens his eyes and smiles wetly at Colin. Smoothing a thumb over the wrinkle of concern on his forehead. 

“Whatever you want.” Stefan promises. 

Colin’s hips jerk forward, hissing like Stefan burned him. He keeps moving, the next one- two- three thrusts picking up speed until he’s clenching his teeth and groaning into Stefan’s ear, shoulder shaking under his hands. Stefan gasps when Colin rolls over then, soft cock slipping out and pulling Stefan to lay half on top of him in one smooth movement. 

His hands are still against Stefan’s back for only a moment before he turns on his side, facing Stefan, hiking one of the younger boy’s legs over his hip and smoothing his hand from the back of his thigh to his shoulders and back again. 

Stefan is still trembling, sore and satisfied and wrung out to his very core. He can’t stop smiling, goosebumps in the wake of Colin’s every touch.

“We’ll take a nap now,” Colin informs him when his breathing is back to normal, “and when we wake up we’ll get some food then go to yours and work on Bandersnatch until you’ve had enough.” 

Stefan doesn’t think of what his dad will say when he returns home. All he knows is that Colin is coming with him, and that he’ll handle everything. 

“Yes, Colin.” He answers. 

Colin smiles against his temple and keeps touching him as he falls asleep. 

__________________

In the morning, Colin takes him to a diner. Colin orders for him (eggs, bacon, stack of pancakes with strawberries on top) and they eat in silence while staring at each other like love sick fools.


	2. Chapter 2

Colin is always touching him. 

In public it's small, sitting close enough their knees are pressed together, gripping his thigh under a table or while driving, an arm over his shoulders, pressing through the marks he left there through Stefan’s shirt like a reminder.

In private he's got Stefan in his lap or at least half way there, he's got a hand in his hair or up his shirt on his stomach. 

When Colin decides Stefan needs a break sometimes he'll ask him to stop (but it's not a request) and pat the space next to him expectantly, other times he'll manhandle Stefan exactly where he wants him and pet his hair and touch his skin until Stefan falls asleep or at least in a trance like state.

When he wakes up, Colin'll have tea made and he'll hop back on the horse. 

Colin must fuck him every night Stefan thinks. Stefan gets lost in the breaks that he's made to have. Thinks of time between cups of tea that Colin gives him, between words of encouragement, between being handled like prized possession. 

Anyway, it must be every night because right after is the only time Colin actually goes to sleep with him instead of just laying on the bed with him, smoking, reading, watching him to make sure he's alright. It must be every night because Colin barely has to stretch him open with his fingers. When he pushes in it's smooth and aches a bit with how sore he still is but it feels like coming home. 

Stefan thinks the structure of day to day life constants is good for him. Wake up wrapped up in Colin, shower, eat, work, tea, work, break, eat, tea, work, eat, one absolutely toe curling orgasm and then sleep. 

Colin has them both on their sides this time, tucked up close behind Stefan and holding him tightly to his chest as he fucks him, one hand jerking him off and the other gripping him like he might slip away. He's sucking mark, after mark high on Stefan's neck and each bite has him gasping softly. 

There's no way his dad hasn't noticed them, looking between Colin and Stefan as the walk around the kitchen, barefoot and comfortable around each other. Stefan is so sure his dad hates how Colin knows where everything in the kitchen is, how smoothly he makes them both tea. Every Time he's off to grab mugs he turns around to face Stefan's dad with three mugs in his hand. 

"Oi," he says, trying to grab the man's attention. Peter'll look up then, look between them again- trying in vain to smooth the scowl off his face. 

Colin raises the mugs just a bit. 

"Tea, mate?" 

Peter shakes his head with a soft "no thank you". Stefan knows exactly why he killed his father in another life. When he brings the ashtray up to his room for Colin, feel the weight of it his hands he thinks about how easy it must have been for his Dad to make him snap that one last time.

Stefan knows he's waiting to catch him alone before he asks about Colin. Before he judges his sissy behavior, before he tries to tell him he can't see Colin anymore. His dad hates seeing Colin's fancy car in the laneway, he hates that he knows where his mugs are, he hates he knows where they keep the tea, he hates how Colin's hands stay on his son. 

Stefan's sure this whole ordeal with Colin he has is the exact type of business his dad was trying to avoid when he took his rabbit away. 

After Colin makes Stefan cum and then finishes himself moments later and his mind was blissfully blank for a few moments as Colin wiped him clean with a warm, damp hand towel- all he could think of is that this is what his Dad deserves. 

When Colin returns to the bed after cleaning them both up he scoops Stefan up and gets him under the covers before crawling in after him and pulling him closer, wrapping his arms around his middle and keeping him there. 

"You got quite a bit done today." Colin says between smooches on Stefan's cheek. He turns towards Colin, asking without words for a proper kiss. Colin gives him one, slow and decadent like a reward. He pulls away and smoothes the hair away from Stefan’s forehead, to press another to his forehead. When Colin pulls away to look over his flushed cheeks, Stefan is dazed, sleepy and as happy as he’s ever been.

"Tomorrow you'll come to the office with me, so I can finish up Nohzdyve. Then we'll go to mine so you can have a proper break." 

Stefan doesn't want a break, he wants it done. He's about to say as much- opens him mouth to speak.

"Trust me, Stef," He says, squeezing him a bit around the middle "this'll be our good ending." 

Stefan takes a deep breath- neither one of them have gotten this far before. The game is almost done- it's been checked along the way for errors and then checked again by Colin. One more path and it's finished. 

"Ok." He agrees, finding Colin's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. 

"Good boy." 

Stefan smiles, tucks himself close and when he closes his eyes all he can do is listen to Colin's steady heart beat and sleep. 

___________ 

The next day, Stefan's dad watches at the door while Colin opens the car door for him and kisses Stefan’s knuckles before closing the door behind him. Stefan meets his dad’s eyes and gives a little wave. He considers it a victory when he doesn’t bother waving back. Colin’s hand finds his inner thigh and holds him there

When Colin turns on the car and backs out of the drive, the radio turns on, beginning the tape in he deck. Stefan leans his head back on the headrest and turns to smile at Colin.

“I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,” Stefan sings softly under his breath, studying the shape of Colin’s profile, watches his hand as he lights his cig. 

Colin catches him staring from the corner of his eye and turns to glance at him, eyes soft. He takes the roll up out of his mouth and hands it to Stefan. Stefan takes it without questioning, putting it in between his lips and inhaling softly. It burns his throat but only slightly, building up a tolerance to the harsh feeling from all the weed he’s accustomed to smoking these days with Colin. 

He takes one drag and then another, slower one, savoring the smoke like he’s seen Colin do. It’s nice, the slight lightheadedness he feels, the pattern of bringing the cig to his lips, occasionally tapping the ash out the window. When he notices he’s smoked over half the cig he goes to hand it back but Colin has already lit another for himself. 

Colin pulls into the garage below the office, they get out and walk inside. Colin has a hand on his lower back, leading him through the halls. It’s nice to be able to zone out and not be worried about where his feet will fall. His brain feels heavy these days, weighed down with the games multiple paths and choices, it’s liberating not to have to think twice about his own. 

Mr. Tucker stops them as they head to Colin’s desk. 

“Surprised to see you here. How’s Bandersnatch going, Stefan.” Mr. Tucker asks, all smiles. 

“Ahead of schedule,” Colin answers before Stefan can think of a reply, “i’ve decided to lend my assistance.” His voice holds poorly disguised frustration.  
Mohan’s face is a caricature of shock at Colin’s words. 

“The lone-woodsman, accepting help on his masterpiece?” Mohan asks, Stefan tries not to frown. 

“Colin sees my vision,” He explains. “Fixing errors as they come and all that, keeping me on track. He’s got more experience after all.” 

Mohan opens his mouth to speak but Colin cuts him off before he can with a quick ‘Ta’ before he’s leading Stefan to his desk again. Mohan’s face is priceless and Stefan waves him a quick goodbye but follows along. 

Colin grabs him a chair and rolls it next to his own, sitting him down and booting up his computer. It’s a much nicer model than his own and Stefan is impressed that Colin can even function on his own. 

Stefan watches him work, hands itching to touch him, wanting to throw a leg over Colin’s just for the contact. He looks amazing of course, brow furrowed in concentration, roll up hanging from his lips. He’s so lost in the movement of Colin’s hand, the flexing of his forearms as he type that when Colin huffs out a curse and sharply leans back in his chair it makes him jump a bit. 

Colin takes cig out of his mouth and hands it to Stefan, who ashes it for him before taking a drag himself. 

“What’s wrong?” Stefan asks, tearing his eyes from Colin to look at the code. 

Colin grabs Stefan’s free hand, brings it to his mouth to press his lips to knuckles. He pulls him with that hand, scooting his own chair out of the way and moving Stefan in his place. 

“Fresh eyes and all that.” Colin says, gesturing with a nod to the screen. 

The feeling that washes over him is the same as when he first heard he’d be meeting Colin, back when he was just his idol instead of the most important person in his life. He looks at Colin’s code, recognizing commands, colors, sprites and their movements. It takes him awhile to look for mistakes. 

He takes another drag, letting the cig hang from his own mouth while he studies the code. After a bit he points outs what’s could be the issue and corrects it. It was almost refreshing, looking at code that wasn’t his own, working on something new after weeks of slaving over the same thing. He hands it back over to Colin, a little nervous he’d gone and fucked everything up despite having decent skill in coding himself. 

Colin kisses his knuckles again as a thank you and presses the run key again, and makes a happy little grunt when it runs smoothly. 

They go back and forth after a while. Unlike Stefan, Colin knows when something doesn’t look right but just needs help with the specifics so the problems can be fixed before they become to big of an issue. Time ticks by in the office, people move around them working on their own projects they share cigs and code between each other and it feels just like it had at home. They work well together and Stefan sort of wonders how he got this far in life without Colin when everything runs so much smoother with him here. 

It almost seems over to soon when Colin calls it a day. He saves his work, shuts down his computer and stubs out his cig before standing. Stefan does the same and follows him out. 

They stop at a drive in and sit in the parking lot eating food that Colin had ordered for both of them. They chain smoke and laugh with easy conversation, singing each other songs that Stefan never would have listened to had Colin not recommended them. 

“I like, um, Joy Division the best I think.” Stefan comments as Colin rewinds the tape and has it play again. 

“You just like Disorder the best is all. Reminds you of me.” Colin says matter of factly. 

Stefan almost spits out his soda, cheeks flushing. 

Colin snorts, eyes warm. 

“W-why do you say that?” Stefan asks, coughing, averting eye contact, willing his blush to go away. 

“You’ve told me before, in a different life.” Colin says, reminiscing. 

“I had a girlfriend in that one, and a baby.” 

“Kitty and Pearl.” Stefan offers, remembering a shock of orange hair and a pink cheeked infant. 

“I’ve had go rounds where she hated you, Kitty. Ones where she wanted you as well. Ones where she’d walk in on us and not care at all. This time she’s not here at all.” Colin says, bringing a fry to his mouth, contemplative. 

Stefan thinks back to how little he and Kitty had ever interacted, in any of the lives he could remember. He wonders how many lives Colin has lived, how many Stefan has lived that he just can’t remember.

“Do you miss them?” He asks. 

Colin looks down at his soda, runs his thumb over Stefan’s knuckles. 

“Sometimes I wake up and wonder where they are before I remember that they're not here, that technically they’ve never been here. After that it’s ok, it’s mostly the same feeling as losing your keys.” He says, with a shrug. 

Stefan hums, taking a bite of his fry and tossing the rest at Colin. 

“You’ve got me anyway.” Stefan offers, squeezing his hand. 

Colin smiles at that, small like all his real smiles are. He reaches for his cigarette case, lights one, hands it to Stefan and then lighting another for himself. 

Stefan wonders when Colin had decided that he was going to start smoking as well. He wonders if he’d would have ever started smoking without Colin in his life. He wonders if he would have ever liked Joy Division, if he’d ever would have enjoyed pissing off his dad as much as he does without Colin there to sway his life and it’s paths. 

When they get to Colin’s it’s a little past three. The first thing they do is share a joint between them, laying on Colin’s messy bed and listing to record after record, taking turns flipping the disk and making out with kisses that are lazy and deep and wet. 

The first time they fuck that night Colin has him on his stomach, his cock pushing into the soft sheets with everyone of Colin’s thrusts. 

The second time Stefan’s riding him with Colin’s hands vice like on his hips, thumps pushing into the dips of his hip bones and leaving bruises. When Stefan’s legs give out on him Colin flips them and takes over in short, sharp thrusts that have his eyes rolling back in his head- a feeling so good he thought he might pass out. 

The third and final time has Stefan on his back, folded in half by the waste with one of Colin’s hands holding his legs in place and the other around Stefan’s neck. He’s shocked at how much getting choked does not scare him. 

Stefan arches into the touch and Colin smirks at him, squeezing just a bit harder. When Stefan’s cums he’s absolutely sure that he passes out. 

When he comes back Colin is still thrusting, taking his pleasure from Stefan and that in and of itself has Stefan’s cock giving a valiant little twitch even though he doesn't think he could get hard again if he tried. 

Colin cleans them up afterwards, taking his time on Stefan and manhandling pillows, behind him, arranging his body so that he would be comfortable and offering him water before he gives himself a cursory rubdown. He tosses the rag in the general direction of the bathroom before crawling into bed behind him. 

He lights them both a cigarette and Stefan smokes it lazily, eyes closed. He’s fucked out, pleasantly sore and ready to sleep for 30 years. Colin kisses his shoulder, put an arm around his shoulders, under Stefan’s head and presses a kiss their as well. 

“We need a shower.” Stefan says, feeling the tackiness of sweat on their skin. 

“Tomorrow.” Colin decides, stubbing out his cig. Stefan does the same. He turns on his side and lays his head on Colin’s shoulder. He smells like sex, like tobacco, like weed and spicy colon. He’s heart beat is steady and hi’s hands stroking in Stefan’s hair. 

Stefan remembers a time when it was very difficult for him to quiet his mind enough for him to sleep. Now, here in Colin’s bed, the most comfortable he’s ever been and the most loved he’s ever felt, there was never any hope he could stay awake for one more second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anybody has any requests for these boys, drop a comment and i'll see what i can do


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Stefan wakes up to an empty bed and tea on the nightstand. He sits up, rubbing his eyes and reaching for the mug. He takes a sip, still warm, which means Colin hasn't been up long. He drinks his tea in bed and thinks for the first time in his entire life that he'd enjoy a cigarette. 

Stefan manages to get himself out the bed, wincing the whole way from soreness he supposes he'll get used to one of these days. He pokes his head out of the room, 

"Colin?" He calls into the hallway. 

"Here, love." Colin answers. Stefan follows his voice to the bathroom. Colin's in the bath, every bit of lazy extravagance like the rest of him. The portable tape deck is playing Heroes by David Bowie and Stefan can’t help but sing along softly as pads across the tile. The room smells like menthol bath salts and cigarettes. He's reading a book, with a roll up between two fingers and head propped up on a towel. 

"What time is it?" Stefan asks, sitting on the edge of the tub. Colin hands him the roll up and glances at his watch. 

"Middle of six." He replies, turning the page. 

It doesn't surprise Stefan that Colin is one of those select few who both wake up early and stay up late by choice. Stefan takes a drag of the cig, eyeing Colin's book. 

"Red Dragon?" Stefan asks, taking one more drag before handing it back. 

"It's about a victim of Hannibal Lecter with and empathy disorder who must think like Lecter to solve a murder." He answers, folding the corner of the book and setting it aside.

He grabs Stefan's hand, pulling a bit and gesturing the in front of him with a nod. 

"Get in." He says, Stefan moves to do so. Colin situates him so Stefan's back is against his chest. The water is a bit too hot for his liking and it stings as he settles into the water, he ignores the feeling of pin pricks and as soon as he's fully submerged he lets out a sigh. 

"You never struck me as a bath sort of person." Stefan teases as he rests his head against Colin's shoulder. Stefan wouldn't have considered himself one before right this moment, when the hot water is loosening the knots of his muscles, soothing the crease in his forehead. The steam from the water cleansing his pores and softening his skin. 

Colin shrugs, the movement lifting Stefan's head momentarily. He takes a drag, 

"If you don't know a person, it's always acceptable to get them bath salts for Christmas. I'm not one for making small talk at the office." 

Stefan hums in response, thinking of what someone like Colin would like for Christmas. The first thought that springs forth is a crystal ashtray, nice and heavy. 

He looks up, remembering the feeling of denting Colin's skull with a trophy from his room like a phantom limb, and presses a kiss under his chin. The blonde boy hums at him in response, reaching outside the bath for a cig, he lights one for Stefan that one for himself. 

Lovesong by The Cure comes on next and Colin snorts when Stefan sings along to that as well. 

“To think you were on Thompson Twins when we first met.” Colin says, running a thumb over Stefan’s knuckles. 

“You play this one tape everywhere you go, if I didn’t know most of them by now i’d must be brain dead.” Stefan replies, taking a drag. 

“I also didn’t smoke cigarettes before I met you, had never thought about starting.” Stefan point out. 

Colin smirks, obviously proud of how much he’d changed Stefan in this short amount of time. How expertly he is molding Stefan into exactly what he wants. Stefan images he’ll start micro-dosing hallucinogens by the end of this month. He’ll dye his hair an unnatural color, have the aloofness of someone who has experienced almost everything life will have to offer them.

“Look at you know.” Colin says, smug, pressing his thumb into a mark he left on Stefan’s inner thigh- a damn near perfect bite mark, you could almost count the teeth. 

They sit in the bath until the water starts to cool, by that time Stefan has nearly fallen asleep again and their fingers and toes have turned into prunes. 

Colin gives him some of his clothes to wear, some jeans that he has to cuff three times so he's not stepping on them. He’s flipping through his closet for a shirt he stops on one deep in the back. He tosses Stefan the shirt and he snags it out of the air. 

The shirt is an extremely well worn Joy Division shirt, Unknown Pleasures, the album with Stefan’s favorite song on it. Stefan can’t stop the blush as he pulls it over his head. There are holes worn into it and the black fabric is almost see through. He looks himself in the mirror, Colin’s behind him, tall, thin and cooler then he’ll ever be. 

“A right punk you are, then.” Colin says, with a small smile. Stefan smiles, looks down, away from Colin.   
Colin grabs his chin, has him look back into the mirror. 

“Look at how pink you get.” Colin says into his ear, voice low. He lifts up the shirt, revealing Stefan’s torso. Stefan’s pink all the way to his chest and it only gets worse the more Stefan looks at himself. He looks like a fucking mess is what he looks like. 

He’s got hickies on his hips and stomach and around his collar bones. He and Colin have spent almost every moment together since their labeless relationship began about 2 weeks ago and he’s let someone who he used to idolize change him almost fundamentally. 

Colin smiles like he can read Stefan’s mind. 

He kisses his neck, speaks lowly. 

“Such a sweet thing you are. I told you, yeah, a strong hands all you’d need. You feel better, yeah?” Colin asks him. 

Stefan nods before he could even think about lying despite how young and naive those words make him feel. He thinks back when had first seen a picture of Colin, back when he was 16 or 17. He had played all of Colin’s games- respected him for his genius and talent. 

When he had seen Colin though, that was it for him. He remembers being defensive when anyone teased him about having a crush on Colin then. If only they could see him now, given up his sense of control, his virginity, his shame, fuck even his music taste to someone he’s had a star crush on since fucking high school. 

Colin hums, “Good,” and presses a kiss to his cheek before turning, grabbing his wallet and cigarette case. “Come on then.” Like night and day this man is sometimes. 

Stefan struggles to catch up after being left floating in Colin’s touch. He turns, grabs the button up Colin left for him on the bed and follows after him. They leave, Colin locks the door behind him and grabs Stefan’s hand, leading him through the world again. 

The drive to Stefan’s is filled with music, the same tape from the bathroom. Colin’s still got Stefan’s hand in his, driving with one hand, head bumping softly to the music. He gets lost in watching him sometimes, Colin looks his best when he’s lost in thought. He recognizes it when Colin’s rolling the days cigarettes, when he’s driving, when he’s coding, when they lay in bed, sharing a joint, listing to this same tape all but silent between despite the fact that they don’t speak. 

Stefan feels like Colin knows his every thought. Stefan feels like he was stumbling through the world, confused and naive before Colin came through- as if to explain things, to break things down to the bare essentials so Stefan won't have to worry about the unnecessary filler.   
Colin catches him watching then, smiling one of his small smiles and bringing Stefan’s hand up to kiss his knuckles. 

“Light us a cig, love.” Colin instructs, handing him the cigarette case. 

Stefan takes the case, opening it bringing two out. The cigarettes are all nearly perfect size and length- save the fatter one which is a joint for he and Colin to share before bed. He lights one, hands it to Colin and then lights one for himself. He touches the other’s softly, lost in thought. 

“You’re such a talent.” Stefan says, closing the case. 

Colin glances at him, “Why,” he starts, amused, cigarette hanging from his lips, “because I can roll cigs?” 

“Yeah,” Stefan answers breathily before catching himself, “I mean- Of course I mean amongst other things.” He looks away, wishing he were more eloquent. 

Colin squeezes his hand, corners of his mouth pulled up. 

“Aren’t you sweet. I can teach you-” he points to the cigarette case, “how to roll them, if you want.” 

Stefan nods, “Yeah, that’d be cool.” 

An image pops in his head of he and Colin, a bit older. He’s rolling them a joint or Colin’s cigarettes until the case is full. Colin would do that thing, where he kisses his knuckles. Would tell him thank you and leave for the office. Stefan would stay at the house, working on his own things, cleaning the apartment. In this fantasy dinner would be done by the time Colin got home even though in real life Stefan has managed to burn water. 

Stefan looks away, pulled out of the fantasy to cover the blush on his cheeks. How ridiculous that would be. 

He thinks about holding a baby, handing her to Colin when he got home so he could dote on her. Daddy’s little legacy. 

When he looks back up Colin he’s mumbling the words to a song from the tape. 

“What’s this one?” Stefan asks, taking a drag of his cigarette. 

I am human and I need to be loved  
Just like everybody else does

“How soon is now. The Smiths.” Colin answers, “you like it?” He asks as he pulls into Stefan’s dad’s lane way. 

Stefan nods, “I like all your music.” 

Colin smiles, shuts off the car and takes the tape with them, so they can listen to it in his room. Stefan likes how sweet can be without saying any words at all. 

Stefan lets them in with the key, his dad is sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper and eating some cereal when they walk in. 

“Hey dad.” Stefan says, setting his house keys in the little bowl by the door. 

“Hullo, Stef,” He greets, then a second later with a little less warmth he says, “Hullo, Colin.” 

Colin nods at him the turns to Stefan, “Go on up and get started and i’ll make us some tea.” Stefan looks between him and his dad and hesitates before climbing up the stairs. 

He steps inside his room and looks at the flowchart on the wall- significantly smaller than before Colin began to help. Colin decided to start taking off the paths that had already been completed in order to keep from having the flow chart crawling up his ceiling. It did make him feel better, less frazzled and satisfied when a path was coded and he was able to unpin the paper from the wall and toss it in the bin. 

Downstairs he can hear Colin offer his dad some tea as Stefan boots up his computer. It makes him laugh a little about how much Colin truly does not give a fuck about his dad’s convictions. 

He likes that Colin’s strong enough to not change his behavior around anyone, accept concerning Stefan of course. But it’s become pretty clear that Colin wouldn’t give a care about PDA and what strangers might think of that. He is nice enough to keep it to a minimum to save Stefan the embarrassment. 

Stefan picks up where he left off with the code, finishing a couple lines before Colin is joining him again, setting his tea down on the desk before taking his own to sit on the bed. He leans over the bed to put the tape in Stefan’s radio above his bed. He pushes play and The Smiths finish up their song with slow, deep guitar. 

They are there for as long as the sun is in the sky, Colin still stands behind him, fixing little issues as they arise. Colin finishes typing, hits run, and the game boots up just as expected. Colin’s running through the game for a good thirty minutes before it actually hits Stefan, that they are done.

“Holy shit.” Stefan curses. The game is finished. It’s done. Just like he wanted it, exactly set to his standards. He feels tears in his eyes, falling before he can stop him. This game has had him crying before, out of stress, anger, frustration, but he doesn’t know why he’s crying now. 

Colin turns to him, leaving the game where it is at a choice point, letting it time out. 

“It’s done.” Colin confirms, holding his hands. “You did it. It’s perfect.” He assures. 

Stefan laughs wetly, “No one died this time.” 

Colin laughs, an actual laugh and picks him up out of his chair and tosses him on the bed. Stefan lets out a panicked little scream at the whole affair and laughs again when he finally settles on the bed, coils squeaking. Colin crawls in after him, over him and gives him a kiss, all tongue and possessive like most of his kisses are. 

Once In a Lifetime by Talking Heads is playing through the speakers above them and Stefan feels like he’s floating. 

“Do you know what today is?” Colin asks, between kisses all over his face. 

“Oh god, don’t tell me it’s your birthday.” Stefan panics. 

Colin laughs again, from his belly. 

“No, it’s September 8th.” 

“September 8th?” Stefan asks, thinking for only a second of what significance that date could hold before- 

“It’s done four days early,” He says, in a state of shock. 

“My dads still alive, you're still alive, i’m still alive and the game is done four days early.”

He throws his arms around Colin’s neck and yanks him down for another kiss. Colin’s smiling into it, he’s wrapping his arms around Stefan, turning them over so he’s on top but the end up sprawling to the floor, Stefan landing on Colin. 

Colin lets out an oof while Stefan touches his face worriedly. 

“Oh my God, are you ok?” 

Colin situates Stefan again so he’s not crushing his ribs into the hard floor. 

Colin winces a bit, “I must of thought we were in my bed.” 

Stefan snorts out a laugh before kissing him again, smiles on both their faces like they hadn't just fallen to the floor like absolutely dumb asses. 

Stefan’s dad busts through the door, panting as if he’s sprinted up the stairs. 

“Are you alright, I heard a- oh” Stefan pulls away from Colin then, scandalized. 

Colin whips his mouth with a laugh, “Just fell out of bed, mate. You know how it is.” 

“We finished the game, Dad.” Stefan says, still flushed from embarrassment but still on cloud nine. He sits up, still straddling Colin’s waist. Colin’s hands find his thighs and push him gently. 

“Little bit of air, please, Stef.” He says. Stefan gets off him then, leaving him there to walk up to his dad, who just witnessed him making out on the floor with none other than Colin Ritman. Surely he must have known though, what with all the hickies- it’s not like anyone else was coming around. 

“Thats- thats wonderful, Stefan. Will you be showing it tomorrow, then?” His dad asks, leaning against the door frame and clutching his chest as if he were having a heart attack. 

Stefan looks back at Colin, who nods with a thumbs up. Stretching, most likely trying to get the stiffness out of his back from the bump on the floor. 

“Yeah,” he confirms with his dad. He turns back around, “We’ll be doing yours too, yeah, Colin?” 

Colin nods, “Gonna finish it for good, tonight.” He says, reaching above the bed to take the tape out of the deck. 

“You’re going tonight?” Peter asks, “Saturday, idn’t it?” 

“I like it better when no one’s there.” Colin explains, gathering their things. 

“Come on then, love.” He says to Stefan, grabbing the ashtray as he walks out of Stefan’s room with Stefan in tow. He hands the tray to Peter, “here’s yer tray back, mate.” He says, winking at his dad as they pass through and out of the house. Stefan’s smiling like a child on Christmas the entire time. 

When they get to the office it’s a bit late- and sure enough there is no one there. Colin uses his keys to get onto the floor and the office is dark. He turns on no lights except for the lamp on his desk and instead of pulling over a chair for Stefan like he did last time he patted his thigh. 

Stefan flushed, but eagerly sat in his lap- curling his legs to hang over the arm of the chair. 

“You- you, um, don’t think anyone’s gonna come in yeah?” Stefan asks. 

“Don’t worry about it, love.” Colin says, pressing a kiss to his forehead as he boots up his computer. Stefan nods, still flushing and tries his best not to worry about it. Colin wouldn’t do anything Stefan would absolutely hate, he knows that for sure. 

“Light us a cig, love.” He says, patting the chest pocket of his shirt. Stefan does, one for him, one for Colin. 

Stefan gets comfortable, leaning against Colin’s chest and watching his face, his hands, his arms as he codes. He’s lost in the veins on Colin’s arms, and his hands, remember how it felt when Colin choked him. How he had continued to thrust even after he’d passed out. He squirms a bit, body suddenly hot. 

“What is it?” Colin asks, ashing his cigarette. 

Stefan takes the last of his and stubs it out before blurting out without thinking, “can I suck you off?” 

Colin stops typing then and looks down at Stefan. 

“Right now?” He asks, in all seriousness, like he’d asked him if he wanted that tab of acid in another life. 

“Do you want me to?” Stefan asks, not wanting to choose.

Colin smirks at him. “You want me to choose for you?” He asked. 

Stefan looks away, covering his eyes before he nods. 

“Awe,” Colin starts, running his fingers through Stefan's hair, “aren't you cute?” 

Stefan squeezes his eyes shut behind his hands, suddenly so hard and yet so embarrassed. Colin doesn't let him stew in it long, though. He takes Stefan's wrists and pulls his hands away from his face, eyes still closed tight. 

“Look at me, love.” Colin murmurs.

Stefan opens his eyes, fighting himself to meet Colin's eyes. 

Colin smiles, smoothing Stefan’s hair out of his face. He nods in front him, “on the floor, then.” He says. 

Stefan trembles as he situates and slides between Colin’s legs, it’s difficult to look at him then to, looking down at his hands on his knees. He’s tucked under the desk, amongst the wires and zip ties and computers and outlets. He hears the hum of Colin;s computer, code screen still up on the monitor, cursor blinking methodically. 

He can hear Colin’s zip in front of his face and he looks forward, glancing up at Colin- who’s watching him intensely. 

Colin gestures down, “Come on then, Stef.” He encourages. 

Stefan’s hand shakes as he frees Colin’s cock from his trousers and briefs, concentrating on not thinking about how he must look right now. He squeezes his eyes shut and looks up at Colin, hand on his dick. 

“I haven’t- I mean i’ve never-” Stefan stutters. 

“I know,” Colin cuts him off, reaching out and tugging Stefan gently forward by his hair. 

“Open your mouth, sweet thing.” 

Stefan closes his eyes real tight again but opens his mouth, sticks out his tongue just a bit to cover his teeth, absolutely hates himself. Colin leads his head forward again until Stefan has to scoot closer. Stefan rests his hands on Colin’s thighs and squeezes the denim in his fist. 

“Look at me, Stefan.” Colin says, more stern this time. Stefan’s eyes snap open, looking at Colin, unable to stop the tremors in his hands. 

The hand in his hair pulls him closer, leads him so just the head rests on his tongue. He tastes skin, feels the weight on his tongue and thinks for the first time that maybe he can do this. 

Slowly, Colin pulls Stefan’s head, making him take more until he could feel it bumping his molars. Colin rests there for a moment., “breathe through your nose, my love,” he instructs. Stefan tries, does alright, still feeling lightheaded. 

Colin must decide that Stefan has gotten the hang of it well enough because he uses both hands to hold Stefan’s head steady, stroking his temple with his thumb.

“You’re going to choke.” He warns, and pushes in slowly. Stefan does gag, almost immediately but Colin keeps pushing through it, hissing at the feeling of his throat constricting around him. 

Stefan’s nose is touching his stomach when Colin stops pushing. He’s whining, gag reflex seemingly unrelenting, his jaw starts to ache from being stretched so wide. 

“Shh, darling,” he coos, smearing Stefan’s tears on his cheek. “You’ll be fine,” he promises.

He pulls Stefan back and off, letting him cough and take gasping breaths until his breathing returns to normal. 

His turns Stefan to look at him, “Do you want me to stop?” He asks. 

Stefan shuts his eyes, causing fresh tears to run down his cheeks before shaking his head. Colin nods, leans down and kissing his forehead before feeding his cock to him once again. Stefan chokes just as bad, and Colin holds him there, all the way down. Pulling back just enough for Stefan to get air before pushing him back down.

Stefan aches with how hard he is, his whole body flushed under his clothes. Eventually his gagging subsides and he rest there still, mouth full and head clear. He opens his eyes, blinking away tears to look at Colin who’s gone back to coding with one hand. Stefan lets out a fresh sob at being ignored, cock painful where it’s pressed against his zipper. 

At the sound Colin pulls him off and thrusts back inside. He does it a few more times before giving it all to him and resting again, all the while eyes never leaving the computer. 

Eventually he leans back, after Stefan’s legs have gone numb and his jaw aches and he’s so out of it he feels like he could pass out, body pulsing with arousal.

His cock still stay deep in Stefan’s throat as he lights a cigarette and takes a long drag. He finally looks down at Stefan.

“What a good boy you are.” He comments, running a finger through the saliva on his chin. 

“How do you feel?” Colin asks, Stefan whines pitifully wear his head is resting on Colin’s thigh. 

“I know, love. After i’ve finished up this code you can get me off and crawl up here let me take care of you, yeah?” He says, stroking through his hair, looking at him with warm eyes. Stefan nods minutely and Colin returns to work. 

It takes him three cigarettes to finish his code before he leans back again simply watching Stefan where he lays still, in such a daze he’s almost asleep. 

“Look at you. Relaxed my love?” He asks. 

Stefan peels his eyes open and meeting Colin’s, cheeks pinking.  
Colin takes hold of his head again, “ready my love?” 

Stefan nods again, and as soon as Colin’s got his affirmative he begins to push and pull Stefan’s head until his thrusts pick up speed, only minutely, and lose their rhythm. 

All Stefan gets in a warning is a quiet “fuck” between clenched teeth, then two, three, four thrusts later Stefan’s nose is pressed tightly against Colin’s pubic hair and he’s cumming down Stefan’s throat, having no choice but to swallow or choke. 

Colin pulls out and gathers Stefan in his arms quickly, pulling him back up into the chair, situating so he’s straddling Colin’s waist. Colin holds him tightly to his chest, runs his hands over his back. 

“Did so well, love.” He coos into his ear. Stefan trembles against him and Colin leads him into a kiss, deep and wet and everything Stefan wanted. He holds on to Colin tightly, thrusting his cock helplessly against Colin’s stomach. 

Colin laughs at him softly, quickly taking his weeping dick out of his own borrowed pants and jerking him off quickly. Stefan sobs at the first touch to his cock and can only stand one or two pumps before he’s making a mess against Colin’s shirt, still clutching him tightly. 

He holds Stefan until he stops trembling then pushes him back to clean him up before doing the same to himself. Colin takes his dirty button up off and uses it to clean Stefan’s face of tears and saliva. 

“You’re so gorgeous.” Colin says, warmly, “I’ll get you home now, yeah, make you some tea, tuck you in to bed, get you high, fuck you again so you’ll have a proper sleep tonight now that it’s all over with.” he promises. 

Colin kept good on every single one of those promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone wanted them to fuck in the office so they fucked in the office love you


	4. Chapter 4

Stefan wakes up to Colin sinking into him in one smooth thrust. 

"Oh, Colin," he whines hands coming to grip the arms holding Colin up above him. He's so sore from the night before, stripped bare, so fucked out already but wanting this again. Stefan pushes back against him. Colin grinds against him, hot and filthy, as deep as he can go before plastering himself along Stefan's back. 

"Good morning, love." He murmurs into his ear, thrusting lazily. 

"So good." He agrees, shaking like a leaf and somehow hard again. He's so full, so tender, so tired and so, so comfortable on Colin's too soft bed. He's still tucked into his pillow, so warm from sleep and relaxed like he rarely ever is. 

Colin leans down to claim his mouth, it feels decadent and syrupy sweet he could cry. 

"Such a good boy," Colin praises, kissing his back, shoulders, neck and sucking marks wherever he pleases. 

"You let me fuck you whenever I please, always so willing to let me have my way. You're gonna walk into the office today to present your game with my marks where everyone can see. It's gonna hurt to sit today, everyone would know you've been fucked good and proper." Colin say amongst a litany of dirty words. 

Stefan groans, hides his face in the pillow, still pushing back into him and whines again, high and desperate, “Colin, please.”

"How do I feel, my love? Does it hurt?" Colin asks. 

"Yes," Stefan cries, gripping Colin's arm, "it feels so good. Don't stop." He begs. 

Colin sounds like he growls against the back of his neck and his hips snap forward harshly. Stefan screams into the pillow, his legs trembling. 

"Again," he begs. 

The second thrust is harder, as is the one after that until Stefan is sobbing into the pillow, scratching at Colin's biceps trying to hold on for dear life. He cums then, untouched and weak, his cheeks wet with tears. Colin keeps thrusting, never slowing until he, too, finishes inside the condom.

For the first time Stefan wishes Colin weren't wearing one, so he could feel his release in him all day long, dripping down his thighs. 

Colin ties off the condom, tossing in the general direction of the bin before getting out of bed. 

"I'll be right back, my love." He says. 

Stefan watches him walk out of the room. He hears the radio turn on. Another he's never heard before. The bath turns on and Stefan sighs contentedly at the idea of another hot bath. 

I don't mind you coming here  
And wasting all my time 

Colin comes back and helps him out of bed. Stefan is sore but the assistance is wholly unnecessary, that doesn't stop him from leaning against the taller man the entire time. Just like last time Colin gets in first and helps Stefan in against his chest. 

Colin grabs a loofa and scrubs in spicy smelling soap before running it over Stefan's chest, arms, thighs, propping Stefan's legs on his own so he can reach his feet. He washes everywhere, in between his fingers and toes, behind his ears. He wets Stefan's hair, scrubs in shampoo and conditioner. 

"Bought this for you." Colin explains, "to keep you soft." 

Stefan smiles into it, feeling boneless now. When he's completely clean and hair free of suds he leans against Colin's chest- accepts the cigarette when it's pressed to his lips. 

Colin's hands run over his whole body, over his nipples, his inner thighs, prodding at his hole to feel how open he's left Stefan. Stefan hisses but does not stop him, spreading his legs a bit to give him more room. Stefan runs his fingers gently over the angry red lines on Colin’s biceps when he had scratched him earlier. 

"I'm keeping you." Colin says, a whisper against his ear. 

Stefan only nods sinking deeper into the state he's in. 

Colin must let him sleep a bit because when he opens his eyes Colin is reading that book again, Red Dragon, and the sun is truely out now. Colin's keeping the water warm by occasionally turning on the hot water spigot with his foot. 

"Colin?" He asks, eyes closing again. 

"Yes, love?" 

Stefan holds out two fingers and wiggles them. Colin snorts and Stefan can feel him move around and the sound of a zippo flicking to life before a lit roll up is deposited between his fingers.  
“Colin?” He says again, Colin hums, raising an eyebrow, clearly amused. 

“I don’t want to leave.” Stefan says, thinking about his Dad and how he can’t stop thinking of all the reasons he could justify to himself for busting open his skull with one swing of an ashtray. How Colin makes everything easier, how all of his touches feel so good, all of his words too sweet. 

“Then stay.” Colin says and that’s it. Period. Stefan hears the “with me” at the end and the “at my house” that will become “at our house” at the end if he chooses to stay. 

"Thank you." He sighs, taking a drag. They sit in silence for long, slow moments. Stefan drifts off between pulls on his cigarette. 

Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick  
The one that makes me scream she said

"Which one is this?" Stefan asks, humming along to the repetitive melody. 

"The Cure," Colin answers, "sad and horny those men are," 

Stefan laughs softly between the cig in his mouth. 

They get out of the tub a few minutes later, when Colin goes to heat up the water again only to find that they’ve reached the heaters limit. Stefan gets out first, followed by Colin who grabs a towel for Stefan and then one for himself. 

Stefan puts the Joy Division shirt back on, partly in because he likes the feel of the worn fabric, partly because if he keeps wearing it hopefully Colin will get the hint that he’s not getting it back. 

They go back to Stefan’s, where his dad is gone and he takes the time to put on some of his own jeans that actually fit. He packs off what he needs to show the finished game, to give Mohan the code for the last time even though he still can’t believe it’s actually done. 

Colin comes into his room, a cig hanging from his mouth and two cups of tea. He sets one down for Stefan and then hands him the cig. Stefan accepts both gratefully and takes a break from shoving everything in his messenger bag. They drink down their tea before getting back in the car and heading off to the office. 

Mohan loves the game of course, loves that it’s done early, love that he can puts his own mans name on it as well as Stefan’s. 

“Two young programmers churning out the hits one after the other! You’ll be stars!” 

Colin rolls his eyes, pulls Stefan’s chair closer to his, 

“What he means is that they’ll interview us for the TV a couple times after it drops and then immediately ask us if we have something else planned.” Colin stage whispers. 

Mohan makes a dismissive gesture, “It’ll be great, Stefan, just let Colin do the talking and keep those doe eyes open. They’ll love you. It’s not till after Christmas anyway.” 

Colin tosses a tape in front of Mohan. “There’s Nohzdyve. Me and Stefan are taking the day off.” He announces, standing. 

“Yours is done too?” Mohan asks, Colin nods, holding a hand out to Stefan and pulling him to stand. 

“Well that’s excellent! Enjoy your break boys!” Mohan calls as they leave. As they leave Stefan glances as at a calendar and stops in his tracks. Colin turns, raises an eyebrow. 

“It’s the ninth.” Stefan says, looking at his watch. Colin nods, confirming. 

Stefan swallows, “I have a therapy appointment in 20 minutes.” 

Colin nods again, puts his hand on Stefan’s lower backs and leads him back to the car, “where is it?” 

“You can just drop me off, it’ll be an hour.” Stefan babbles, 

Colin grabs his hand, squeezes, “where?” He squeezes. 

“It’s only up the road a bit.” Colin nods, lighting a cig for Stefan and then himself. 

“We’ll make it.” 

Colin pulls into the parking lot eleven minutes later and gets out, walking around the car and opening the door for Stefan. Colin follows him inside, stands behind him as he signs in and the sits down with him in the waiting area. 

Stefan chews on his lip, anxiously. 

“You don’t have to wait, I can get my dad-” 

Colin grabs his hand, presses a kiss to his knuckles. Stefan's eyes flit around the waiting area- but it’s only them and receptionist who’s reading a magazine. 

Stefan’s heart beat slows and he smiles at Colin gratefully. 

“Stefan.” Mrs. Haynes calls, Colin squeezes his hand before letting him go. “I’ll be here, when you're done.” Colin assures. 

Stefan nods at him and turns to follow her into into her office. 

He goes to sit and she shuts the door behind them. She sits down with a wide smile on her face, it’s infectious, Stefan is smiling too and he knows his cheeks are pink.

“So who is that?” She inquires slyly before putting her hands up, “If you don’t mind me asking.” 

Stefan hesiates.

“It’s Colin.” 

Her eyes go a bit wide, “Colin Ritman- The Actual Colin Ritman’,” She asks, quoting him again. 

Stefan nods. 

“That was nice of him to drive you here, do you spend a lot of time together these days?” She asks, crossing her legs and linking her fingers. 

“We, uh. He drives me around, helps me uh- helped me with Bandersnatch. It’s done now,” He’s looking at the floor, too nervous she’d see right through him to meet her eyes. 

“That’s great, Stefan. How does it feel, now that your game is done?” 

“It’s,” he takes a deep breath, “It’s amazing to, um, have actually done it. It was difficult- i guess, a lot of… stress but now that it’s over it seemed worth it. To have worked as hard as I did, to have Colin help me was a gift more than anything.” 

“And did Colin offer to help you or did you ask?” 

“I was at Colin’s and he sort of- invited himself over a couple of weeks ago. I helped him on his game as well, only a bit. He helped me get organized more than anything but he knew-” He swallow’s thickly, trying so hard not to act absolutely smitten. 

“-he knows exactly what I need.” He finishes. 

“Is that just in the context of the game or?” 

Stefan can’t answer that. He looks away, out of the frosted windows. 

“Stefan you can talk to me about anything, patient-doctor confidentiality. As long as you aren't planning to kill anyone; nothing you say leaves my office. No matter what I could never see you any different.” She assures. 

Stefan knows then, that he absolutely failed and when he opens his mouth- all of the words just fall out. 

“He knows what I need all the time. He’s so nice to me. He knows how I want my tea and when i’m hungry, or tired or- or anything! It’s like he can read my mind. It’s like he’s holding all of me together with his bare hands ” 

Mrs. Haynes has a small smile on her face when he can finally look back up at her. 

“Do you think he will continue to ‘hold you together’ now that the game is finished?”

“We were-” He closes his eyes, swallows thickly and squeezes his eyes shut, “we were in the bath this morning- he was,” Stefan laughs a panicked little laugh, “he was washing my hair and I told him I didn’t want to leave.” 

“And what did he say?” She asks. 

Colin smiles, “He told me to stay.” 

“How have your nightmares been, since sleeping with Colin?” She asks, voice nothing but curious. 

Stefan chokes a bit, drinks from the glass of water he usually never touches. 

“I haven't had any dreams at all.” He says, deciding he absolutely cannot tell her it’s because he gets fucked three ways to Sunday and cums so hard he falls unconscious instead of asleep. 

“And how has that made you feel, on a day to day basis?” 

“Better, uh- almost no headaches. More, uh, awake?” He answers, unsure if that makes since. 

“I saw you and Colin smoking in the parking lot. Taken up cigarettes? Is that Colin’s doing?” She asks.

Stefan shrugs, “Yeah, I guess.” 

“Do you think the changes he’s making in you are for the better?” 

“I, uh, yeah. I think, um-” Stefan pauses, thinking about his answer, “I think I like myself better- when i’m with him.” 

She hums, “be careful then, to not get so wrapped up in him, no matter how ‘amazing’ he is, that you lose who you are when he’s not around.” 

Stefan nods slowly. 

“Do you have anything else you’d like to talk about today besides Colin?” She asks. 

Stefan shakes his head, it’s silent between them for a moment. 

“I’m happy, y’know, happier than i’ve been in a long time- since fucking mom died. It feels like this is the first time i’ve been happy since i was five. Like i was suffering in a pit and Colin has pulled me out. Like i thought i was happy before but i was just fine and now-” Stefan stops, takes a breath, “now i'm happy.” he finishes lamely, unable to articulate. 

“Than i’m happy for you, Stefan.” She smiles, “Now that you’re happy.” 

They talk then- for the rest of the time about what Stefan should expect between now and the games release. If he and his dad have any plans for the holidays (they do not). When the hour hits she walks him to the door. 

Colin is there, smoking a cigarette and reading a Better Homes and Gardens magazine in the exact chair he left him in. Colin looks up at the sound of door opening and stands, waiting for Stefan before moving out of the building. 

“You’re hungry.” Colin says. 

And it’s wild because Stefan is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone wanted somnophilia so colin woke stefan up with his dick love you 
> 
> this is it for this fic she's done but im not done w these boys the fic is just done the end 
> 
> also if anybody has any other weird kink requests or maybe a regular request for these boys hmu in those comments and you might get your fix in a different story 
> 
> but also im gonna make a playlist for these boys bc colins music taste and my music taste is the same so catch the link for them in my next colin/stefan work of bullshit


End file.
